So I am currently unemployed, a situation that is...less than ideal given my personality. I am, for lack of better words, batshit insane, and the more that I have to occupy my time, the better everyone off everyone (read: Jamie) will be. For a while, I think it was fun for him, because all my attention was focused on him, but quickly it became unbearable because…all of my attention was focused on him. What he’s doing, what he’s eating, and what he’s looking at quickly became what WE’RE doing, what WE’RE eating, and what WE’RE looking at, a rather stifling phenomenon to say the least. I would call him to tell him who was on The View that day, what Dr. Phil was talking about, or ask him for the ninth time what he wants for dinner (“Oh pasta? When you said that earlier, I thought you sounded a little uncertain so I just figured I would call you incessantly to quadruple check. So, still pasta? Ok well, we’ll see when I call you in five, byeeeeee!”). Clearly this scenario is unsustainable for all parties involved, as I will soon go crazy and Jamie will soon murder me.
So I have decided, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. I shall look to the Aussies for hobbies and supplement my seemingly never-ending job hunt with my fun new Australian hobbies!!
Hobby #1
Walking on the beach
A huge advantage to my life in Australia is our proximity to the beach. Two blocks and we’re there and I have been joining the large numbers of (ok mostly retired) Australians who generally stroll the beach in the mornings. There are few things more peaceful than strolling leisurely down the beach, cool from the morning breeze, in the company of septuagenarians. Additionally, I am trying (so far unsuccessfully) to strike up friendships with some of them so that I can boost my Australian friend count into the double digits/above 1, but thus far I am content to stroll solo.
Hobby #2
Sports
Before you burst out laughing in disbelief, I should clarify. I am not playing sports, which would surely result in horrific, body-shattering injury, but merely watching them, a much safer alternative. The sports culture in Australia is absolutely huge, doesn’t require much prior knowledge, and involves copious drinking, ipso facto, I’m in. Australians tend to eschew traditional sports for the more obscure kind, or when those prove too mainstream, they simply make up their own. The general rule of thumb is the more violent the better, with the possible exception of cricket, which possesses approximately the same capacity for violence as a game of bingo in an old folks’ home on a particularly slow Tuesday afternoon.
Footy is popular all around the country, though what you mean by “footy” varies abundantly. In Victoria, footy refers to Aussie Rules Football, or AFL, a combination of basketball, Quidditch and getting the shit kicked out of you. Everywhere else in Australia, footy refers to rugby, but whether you are referring to Rugby League or Rugby Union, two different versions of what appears (to me) to be entirely the same game, is anyone’s guess. Rugby (for the purposes of my blog/my life, we will pretend Rugby League and Rugby Union are identical) is my personal favorite Australian game because it features a valuable part of Australian culture: men in short shorts. Watching a rugby game exposes the viewer to more male thigh than a Chippendales show, and any game in which the players must avoid not only horrific injury but also exposing their testicles is a game for me.
Cricket barely even warrants a mention because, though beloved to many Australians, and once played by my significant other, I cannot possibly begin to fathom why anyone would want to spend literally hours of their precious life watching men stand around paddling one another in white suits. Actually, that description makes it sound fun, which only further hammers home the point that I simply do not understand cricket at all, because there is simply Nothing. Fun. About. Cricket.
Hobby #3
Gambling
Gambling is not only legal in Australia but wildly popular. As in, there are slot machines in EVERY. BAR. This is fun because it allows Aussies to combine alcohol with gambling, a surefire recipe for success- oh wait, no, that’s not right. Well bless their crooked little hearts, at any rate, because the Pokies (what an adorable name for a machine which I am sure has destroyed many a family) are incredibly fun. There is nothing better than a cold beer and the knowledge that you are wasting all your money in as sure a way as if you were literally setting it on fire. Unfortunately, no one has figured out a way to make lighting money on fire fun, so I’ll stick with the Pokies thankyouverymuch.
If the pokies prove a bit tame for you, however, you can also bet on dogs, horses (adorably called ponies) or horses racing whilst pulling carts (which I’m sure has an equally adorable name that is currently slipping my mind). I thought this was a bit stupid until I won 40 dollars betting on the improbably named Spunky Monkey. The high that you feel when you realize you have won money seemingly from nothing (not actually the case, as I had to place 20 dollars on Spunky Monkey in order to be registered, and for every 5 dollars I win on the Pokies, I have inevitably spent more than that) is unparalleled, and probably a good reason why gambling addiction is a huge problem in Australia. However, I will continue to view gambling as a legitimate means of employment until my savings account is entirely devoid of funds. Just kidding, Mom and Dad, but it is “a ripper of a time” (boom, Australian language. See? My hobby experiment is making me more Australian by the second).
So that’s what I’m up to these days. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go walk on the beach wearing short shorts, placing bets on the ponies and not caring at all about cricket.
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